The same, but different..

Dear Heather,

I always love hearing peoples stories about mom because they are so very different from mine. Same, but different. I try to keep that in mind on December 7th.

I've gone through some different rituals in honor of her death, some good, some bad. If you don't want to focus on the sadness, then don't. Do something in her honor that isn't sad and adds to the ways you are like or unlike her because even in the ways we are unlike her, we are more like her than we ever could be.

I used to be sad and depressed throughout the entire December season. Chirstmas was a reminder of the presents bought, wrapped, marked with her handwritten tags, and opened without her. The worse Christmas... EVER. I isolated myself this is the period of time where Christmas' involved you pulling my hungover self from bed to join the family from everyone and I realized many years later it was unproducive and an unhealthy way to mourn.

So, I tried to rush through December 7th, wearing a piece of her jewelry, mourning in secrecy, hoping no one would mention the date and call me out on it. This was the time it frustrated me the most that everyone mourned her on the very day I wanted to hurry up and get through. I couldn't understand why it seemed they were still on the first method of mourning - depressed and sad - because I had moved past that. But then, if the day went by and no one remembered, I found myself sobbing in bed because I convinced myself everyone had forgotten. The seesaw of this ritual was hard to handle.

So now, I'm embracing the day. It is my day to celebrate her. A day to do something she would like to do or something that makes me feel better - even if that's skipping the gym to go home and knit. That's what it ended up being this year ;).

December 7th is really no more of a reminder that she is gone than any other day of the year because I think of her often - anytime someone mentions going shopping with their mom, or talking on the phone, or hanging out, or going to dinner, all the day-to-day activities that people take for granted as I get older this is becoming a daily occurance. I've never had that type of relationship with anyone. My life doesn't revolve around her death or the particular day she died, but does very much revolve around her absence - it affects every facet of my life - friendships, social situations, relationships, holidays, financial decisions, professionsal situations, my family interactions, all of it. Yes, it is sad, tragic, horrible, unbearable at times, but I wouldn't be who I am today if things aren't as they are now. I am very lucky to have you and other fantastic people in my life who see beyond the neurotic behavior as I navigate through life and love me anyway. I just looked up neurotic to make sure it meant what I thought it meant...it does...and thinking through all the events of my life, I could've totally been diagnosed with neurosis in my younger days!

We all mourn her because we loved her. I find it to be beautiful - that all these years later, people who's lives have continued were so touched by her essence, they stop and are saddened by her absence. The stories of the ways she touched other people's lives read like a 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' book. I think everyone who has one of those 'Chicken Soup' stories is feeling the same as we are - happy to have had the opportunity to bask.

I love you.

-Em